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Is there the possibility that it won't hurt?
I don't have the courage to continue on the path I want to,
I want to give up.
Although I have the support of everyone else,
There are those who are supposedly the closest,
They shun the me who begins to think differ,
The me who wants to be.
I guess I'm more suited to wearing the mask.
After all, it will eventually become a habit.
When I repeat something for long enough, I'll believe it.
Maybe it's for the best.
To leave what's not said, unspoken.
I just hope to be forgiven.
~~~~~~~
--Kiyu,
--Kiyu,
I try hard to not place blame
but the emptiness within
and dread that tries to fill it,
Is something unbearable.
Knowing that it's not intentional,
Those words weigh heavily.
Chains which were supposedly broken,
Seems to be dragging down, sinking,
into the depth of pitch black.
So many regrets,
They return as nightmares,
endless taunts and mockery.
Haunting, and hunted, only the moon,
only it comforts, the streak-stained face.
I really hate remembering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--Kiyu
I still don't think I've come to terms with it.
I miss him so much.
I regret so much.
All those unspoken words that I thought I'll tell him next time.
Even until the end I wasn't able to tell him I loved him directly.
And now I won't ever have the chance to.
Everywhere I go, I remember him.
Places we've went, places I've wanted to go with him.
I'm so scared that I'll forget his face, his voice in the future.
I really hate myself for not being able to talk to him more sincerely.
I regret so much.
And yet, each day passes by like nothing has happened.
We smile, we laugh, we live. Only,
in the same scenery, the same habits,
our daily lives just continue..
The difference is he no longer is here.
I know he's in a better place.
but I can't help but miss him.
～～
遺憾是會呼吸的痛 它流在血液中來回滾動
後悔不貼心會痛 恨不懂你會痛 想見不能見最痛
梁靜茹 - 會呼吸的痛
--Kiyu
- Mood:
Regretful - Music:梁靜茹 會呼吸的痛
This year, I've decided to spend the day at home, with my family, although, I had been in front of my monitor nearly the whole day. In the end, I was sought out for lunch and then we went a last wasting money of 2o11 at the mall. Then it was playing games until dinner and then a serious talk with my mom, and then I'm writing this.
To be honest, I don't really know what to write. I mean am I supposed to review the whole year and what's happened? Nah, that's too long, and frankly I don't remember a lot of what happened.
There were tears, laughter, smiles, old friends, new friends.
Life happened.
I guess.
In this last 3o, well probably about 2o minutes left now, but in these last moments, I really want to say thank you to so many people, the ones who helped me, made me smile, and those who've forgotten or made me cry too. They've helped me grow and I really realised, that the time spent with everyone now, really does exist only now. I looked back at some of the people I once were close to, but now I realised how silly we were.
Someone once said, "I'm always here to listen whenever you need it", I'm really thankful, that they took into concern what I once mindlessly said, but now that I realised it, although it's very grey of me to think this way, but things arn't the same no more, and I don't think we can tell each other things we used to share. But the goodwill made me smile (: I don't think it's just me, but everyone has changed, although we really want to go back to how we used to be, or restore relations that's strained, our efforts no matter how hard it is, is just futile efforts to glue what's no longer there.
It's just I realised when things pass, they really pass, no matter how much we want to cling onto, and not let it go.
I hope that we let go of relations that's long past their time, and instead we try to forge a new bond between one another, old and new. I'm not exactly saying to forsake relations that we have now, but instead of trying to go back to the past, or the times we once had, I want to more than before, get to know each and everyone of you better. The new you, the changed you. (You in this case means everyone XD). I don't know if anyone will understand exactly what I'm saying, cause I don't think I've said it properly. But I guess more than "go back to", I want to create something new, together with everyone.
And, when we ask for things we arn't ready to accept, they'll just go by without us ever able to even plant a palm on it. That's why, at least next year, I want to treasure the things, the people I have. So that I can create and gradually be ready to accept the things that come my way.
The memories, are best left just that, I guess. And instead of going back to memories, I want to create more memories. Memories of the different stages we all enter. A brand new chapter, in a brand new series.
Goodbye the past we wish to return to.
Goodbye the people who has left us.
Goodbye the times that has past by.
Goodbye the me who I once was.
Goodbye 2o11.
希望有一日
記起以往所有喜樂悲哀，
我會是在笑著的~
再見了
曾經的我。
--Kiyu
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Thank you - Kim Jong Kook
想要恢復原狀，
那麽的難，
幾乎不能實現"
那如果
是如此的喜愛它
如此的寶貝它
那為可當初要把它打碎呢？
而當它碎了
才想起它
那不是已經太晚了嗎？
修補好了也有刻骨銘心的裂痕吧。
人就是那麽矛盾。
Don't regret when something breaks.
Because you neglected it.
--Kiyu
- Mood: thoughtful
- Music:給自己的信 - 鍾舒漫
Broken.
Not something
That used to work,
That's stopped,
Neither, like glass
That's shattered.
Broken.
Is when you can
No longer, stand,
No longer, know,
the reason, why,
You Smile.
You Cry.
Not something
That used to work,
That's stopped,
Neither, like glass
That's shattered.
Broken.
Is when you can
No longer, stand,
No longer, know,
the reason, why,
You Smile.
You Cry.
--Kiyu.
- Mood:
blank - Music:Look What You Have Done - Jet
A fool to believe,
A fool to wait,
A fool to remember the
Temperature thats escaped.
And if it can not be erased,
this fool will just jump,
into the embrace
of the searing fire.
A fool to wait,
A fool to remember the
Temperature thats escaped.
And if it can not be erased,
this fool will just jump,
into the embrace
of the searing fire.
--Kiyu
- Music:林峰- 愛不疚
比起喜歡
比起失望
比起所有
我最壞念的是
過去跟你的距離。。
我好像不懂我以前是
怎樣的對你笑，
怎樣的對你説話
就像
我們是陌生人。。
為什麽我還懷念著
那個溫度？
A train with
no set-route,
with no end in sight.
Within the metal boundaries,
we meet, we forge relations, and
as we grow accustomed to
each other,
we arrive at a new stop.
As new faces board,
old ones leave.
Some we'll meet again,
and for some,
they've reached their final destination.
Mayhap, those will get off
at the same stop, but
those who are left behind,
go on, while believing.
That one day.
That chance encounter.
Even as strangers.
其實我並不希望我們會是一對
但是我還是很懷念
--Kiyu.
- Mood: nostalgic
- Music:突然好想你 -五月天
I've always wondered what the Pastor in the past meant when he said that each one of us has our own cross to carry. I can't recall the exact words, but it was one of those things that stuck at the back of your head and would come out to greet you without anything triggering it.
For a long time I believed that this cross is the hardship that we encounter through day to day life. It's the suffering that we "feel". Those end-of-the-world kind of feeling that we sometimes get when we're stressed or don't know what to do. When problems get so close into your face that all you see is blackness.
I'm not quite sure why I starting thinking about it earlier, but at that moment, I got a feeling that this wasn't what he meant when each of us have our burden or cross to carry.
I just started thinking, that perhaps what he meant by each persons cross was more than the :hardship: that we have in front of us, but rather it was the past that we can't change. Those past actions that continue to eat away at you, that little guilty feeling you get whenever you remember the things you had done wrong before. The feeling you get when you think "am I really forgiven?" or "Can I be forgiven?"
Sure enough, I know that when we believe, when we repent wholeheartedly, he forgives us. Because he is merciful.
However, I think even though we are forgiven, the past isn't going to be erased, we must live with it, which makes me think "Isn't this the cross that we must live with?"
It's not that we are not forgiven, but it's that we must carry that past while walking towards the future.
And then I thought of a picture, not saying its a visual from God or anything like that, just a description of how I felt.
I'm not quite sure why I starting thinking about it earlier, but at that moment, I got a feeling that this wasn't what he meant when each of us have our burden or cross to carry.
I just started thinking, that perhaps what he meant by each persons cross was more than the :hardship: that we have in front of us, but rather it was the past that we can't change. Those past actions that continue to eat away at you, that little guilty feeling you get whenever you remember the things you had done wrong before. The feeling you get when you think "am I really forgiven?" or "Can I be forgiven?"
Sure enough, I know that when we believe, when we repent wholeheartedly, he forgives us. Because he is merciful.
However, I think even though we are forgiven, the past isn't going to be erased, we must live with it, which makes me think "Isn't this the cross that we must live with?"
It's not that we are not forgiven, but it's that we must carry that past while walking towards the future.
And then I thought of a picture, not saying its a visual from God or anything like that, just a description of how I felt.
It was like two people holding a heavy basket. Walking side by side.
Isn't that how God is with us?
Our cross is heavy when we try to carry it ourselves, but God is there to help us. Just like how as kids, when we go shopping, our father or mother holds one end of the basket while you hold the other.
Isn't that how God is with us?
Our cross is heavy when we try to carry it ourselves, but God is there to help us. Just like how as kids, when we go shopping, our father or mother holds one end of the basket while you hold the other.
And then my mind zoomed to another picture and that's Jesus who carried the cross for us, a cross that didn't belong to him, past actions that he didn't do, and how he walked that long pathway until the end.
And I thought, those hardships we have are like the long path way he walked, when he was carrying the cross, like the things he came across, the disappointment, the anger, the accusement, the jeers. And the cross was the sins/wrong-doings (of the past), that we had committed.
And then I realised that I've only caught a tiny glimpse of how much God loves me. Loves us.
Even in
a pitch black realm,
With its piercing thorns
growing amongst the echoes
of voiceless taunts.
The tiniest light,
would illuminate,
the entire Kingdom.
~~~~~~~~~
--Kiyu.
- Mood: thoughtful
- Music:愛是不保留 -
During a lifetime,
Many could hold our hands,
Many could hold our hands,
Many could embrace us tightly,
The burst of warmth that spreads,
from skin to skin,
It disappears.
And like the Autumn sun,
which shines just as bright,
it could never replace,
the scorching heat,
transfered from the
Summer sun.
Even after many seasons,
those memories linger,
Only A pair of hands, and
An empty embrace,
With a temperature, that can
no longer be reached.
~~~~~~~~~
--Kiyu
- Mood: thoughtful
- Music:直到你不找我 - 林峯
